I don't think that I have ever felt love so strong than during this time of the year. Not because of the gifts and many people passing greetings as they pass. But simply because of how this time of year makes me reflect so much. I am not a blogger, writer, or whatever you want to call it, but I am going to give it a try. I feel the need to speak....
During the year, we go so fast! Before you know it, several months have passed and I stand there wondering where in the world did the time go. We stay so busy yet so humdrum really. Same old, same old..... you know?
Well, I have been decorating for the holidays and spending alot of time with my husband and daughter preparing for family gatherings and I have had alot on my mind. This time of year makes me think of years gone by and I wonder again... what happened to the time? These thoughts have flooded my brain for the last several hours and I want to share them with my family.
Nanny and Big Daddy - Oh my goodness, how I miss these two people so much! I cannot ever remember a Christmas that I did not spend it with these two precious people. My Nanny and Big Daddy made Christmas such a magical time of year. Decorating the tree, wrapping the gifts, and drinking rum and coca cola!!! Johnny Mathis was always on the turntable and a fire in the fireplace. There was never a short supply of FOOD!!! The smell of Christmas food cooking at Nanny's! Especially chips and dip. HA! Christmas time now is not the same without them here to share it with. However, they instilled in me a special place for Christmas and I will continue to share that with my daughter and hopefully one day, grandchildren. The main ingredient in their Christmas story was the overpowering feeling of love. Love just oozed from their very being towards me and all of us for that matter. I will forever remember that overwhelming feeling of so much love from Nanny and Big Daddy!
Mom - Santa was such a big deal every year when I was little. Don't get me wrong... My mom made sure that Jesus was the "Reason for the Season", but I was a little kid and Santa had to come. Waking up Christmas morning and seeing all those neatly arranged gifts all over the living room floor. I remember today so vividly that so much love went into every single placement of a ribbon. I tear up now just knowing how much love my Mom held for me then and now even more. I see it now in how she acts over her only grand baby. My Mom is now the Nanny for Jessie and history is definitely repeating itself. Except for the rum and coca cola! HA! Again, so much magic and so much love oozing from my Mom's every fiber. As an adult, I look back and it is amazing to me how my Mom made it work. She struggled everyday and nobody would have known. But I did! I cherish and covet my Mom's prayers. They are so heartfelt and I know that those prayers are what got us through to where we are today. Thank you Mom for your unyielding faith in things unseen. Thank you for such a magical childhood! I can only hope that I instill the same feelings in Jessie. I want her to see me in the same light that I saw you. My hero that never faltered! Slaying the dragons with a broken sword, but always victorious even in defeat!
Aunt Valerie and Uncle Bill - My heart breaks every time I think of Uncle Bill. I miss him so much even now! I not only had wonderful Christmas memories, but childhood memories during the year with Val and Bill. Singing along in the car with the Beach Boys on the radio. Listening to Bill harmonize along and thinking what a remarkable voice he had. Peter, Paul and Mary I believe were my favorite! As a child, all was peaceful when Bill was singing. Val and Bill always instilled in me that I could do anything! ANYTHING!!! None of you know this, but I was famous when I was a small girl. I was on Broadway and I sang with gusto to sold-out crowds. Bill and Val were my managers! My stage name was "Wanda Badonovich", created by Uncle Bill. My dresses were hand picked from my Aunt Val's dresser drawer full of night gowns. Long flowing night gowns that made a scrawny little girl become a princess. I twirled and sang for hours as my managers clapped and yelled "BRAVO" "MORE"!!!! But one memory is still vivid in my mind that I don't think will ever leave.... Going shopping with Aunt Valerie every Christmas and getting new outfits. Usually pink I might add. I always had Nike or Reebok tennis shoes every year for the school year because of this wonderful person. Riding in her beetlebug and feeling the vibration run all the way thru my insides. I felt so special then. I remember looking at her and thinking... she is so pretty. I want to be as pretty as her one day. Inside and out! Uncle Bill - I miss you and love you. Thank you for making me Wanda Badonovich. My life would not have been complete without her!
Songs and shows and traditions - Every year we all gathered around the TV and watched all the old shows about Rudolph and Santa. White Christmas with Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. What a memory that is! Christmas in Vermont with all that snow, snow, snow, snow, snow. The dancing and singing and antics! I remember watching the tap dancing and thinking... Wow, I need to learn how to do that! Christmas would not be the same without all the old songs, shows, and such. I have all of them now as a collection and make Jessie watch them every year. I love to see that sparkle in her eye that I had as a girl. This time of year never gets old for me and I hope it never does. Oh, and of course, cooking in the kitchen while listening to the songs of Christmas.. nothing better.
Mike - There could not be a better man on earth, shy of Wade Collins. What his parents instilled in him is unreal. Devotion that goes beyond the call of duty at times. Mike is a different kind of person. I want to let you in on a little secret that I believe most of you don't realize.... Mike holds great volumes of love deep inside his soul for his family and for me and Jess. I am very fortunate to be his wife and get to witness this love. I am so thankful that God has given him to me and and I am amazed at the love that oozes from him as well. My strong man has a soft side and I love to see it come out when only I can see it sometimes. This love is so strong for his daughter. Mike loves her so much that I see the hurt in his eyes when he watches her. I can only imagine what he feels as the Dad, the one that is supposed to fix everything, Superman..... yet he cannot repair his little one. Sometimes I think that Mike has become tougher on the exterior because of this, but I know and see the interior! And I understand him, as he understands me. This time of year is precious with him and Jessie. I love to be with them. Just sitting by the Buck stove and laughing. Mike is forever making us laugh. Laughter is the best medicine and it feels great to share this laughter with him.
Jessie - my most precious possession. My most precious gift. I could not treasure anything or anyone more than I do this small package of a girl. What a beauty she is. Jessie's heart is much bigger than any of you can fathom. The love that she shares is by far the most treasured gift that she gives. If you have been loved by Jessie, you have been truly blessed. God made her so unique. I never knew that such a small person could store so much inside of herself. Love, forgiveness, trust, faith, meekness, mildness, bold, unwavering strength. There is an inner strength in her that only comes from God. Again, I am usually the one that sees her at her weakest times and I treasure those times. I cannot tell you the countless times that I have had to be her soft place to fall and I will always and forever treasure those times of being the one that she falls on. I will hold her up from here to eternity and will not ever grow tired. She is my strength and she doesn't even know it. The times that she is leaning on me, she is holding me up as well!! Christmas changed when she came along. Nothing matters but her during this time. Watching her grow and see what Christmas means to her has been quite an experience. My most precious memories of when she was smaller is when she would climb into my lap on Christmas Eve and try to fall asleep so that Santa could come. Cookies out, milk out, reindeer food outside.... now if only she could shut her eyes. I would rock her in my lap and we would wait to see if Santa would come. He always came and we would hear his jingle bells up on the roof and hear the hooves of his reindeer. I never saw a girl fall asleep so fast as she did every Christmas Eve. Once the bells rang, she was out. I would place her in her bed and to work we went. I would meticulously place every item, just as my mom did for me. I relished in watching her face every Christmas morning. Such a magical time in such a magical little girl.
This is a magical time of year and I love it. But, I really feel this way all year long. I am a softy. I am very sentimental. I treasure everyday. Just picking up Jessie after school and hearing about her day gives me great joy. Hearing Mike and Jessie laugh together while I am busy doing other things... nothing better! Seeing the love that Jessie has for her grandparents every time that she sees them. Rain drops hitting the roof while I sleep. The smell of coffee. The smell of my Dad's aftershave. Hearing Jessie sing in the shower. Listening to Roz play the piano. Catfish and Flounder (Jessie and her Uncle Buck)!!! Remembering Trey singing inkie dinkie doo and "So this is Love". Feeling my Mom's warm arms wrap around me. Seeing my Dad. I could go on and on.
The love I feel is unreal and unmeasurable. I hold on to it like a priceless treasure.
